If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
HERE ARE THE
"NEW SENIOR TEXTING CODES"
ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CGU: Can't Get Up
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFL... ACGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
TTML: Talk To Me Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WATP: Where Are The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI: Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
Funny Prayer about Getting Old at the Caregiver of the Year Dinner
SENIOR HALLOWEEN...
You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag,
you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," And you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or...." And can't
remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night,
you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the
neighborhood with a walker.
And the number one reason Seniors should not go
Trick Or Treating...
*
*
*
1.. You keep having to go home to pee.
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report
That her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she
Explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've
Stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and
Even the accelerator!' she cried. The dispatcher said,
'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes
Later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says.
'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house
Together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts
Her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters,
'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The
94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come
Up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses
'Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is
Sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
Sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I
Never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then
Yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as
I see who's at the door.'
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf
One fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy,
Isn't it?' 'No,' the second man replied,
'it's Thursday.' And the third man chimed in,
'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a
Nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of
Her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to
An elderly man in a wheelchair.. Flipping her gown at him,
She said, 'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment
Or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the
Soup.'
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over
The years, they had shared all kinds of activities and
Adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to
Meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the
Other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me ... I know
We've been friends for a long time, but I just can't
Think of your name! I've thought And thought, but I
Can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is..
Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she
Just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How
Soon do you need to know?'
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car
Phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice
Urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news
That there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!' 'Heck,' said Herman,
'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
_________________________________________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both
Could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising
Along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red,
But they just went on through. The woman in the passenger
Seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could
Have sworn we just went Through a red light.'
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection
And the light was red. Again, they went right through. The
Woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light
Had been red but was really concerned that she was losing
it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red
And they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman
And said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran
Through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us
Both!'
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!
New Bumper Stickers
Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate ageing baby boomers ...
To commemorate her birthday, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.
One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'.
Here are the lyrics she used:
Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses, Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions, Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin', Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
*************************************
Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.
Craig Oliver’s 3-Way talks with Jack Layton, Tony Clement and handyman Mike Holmes about 24 Sussex Drive, lent, Buzz Hargrove, Cadbury Easter egg, Patriot Act, Charlie Brown cartoon, Bill Clinton goes on an intern hunt, Grizzly Bear Hunt, Paul and Heather McCartney, Ralph Klein and Martha Stewart.
In this funny cartoon, an honest factory
worker learns the truth about his favorite
department store: that there's a very high cost
for everyday low prices. Namely, unemployment!
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are
interested in them? A: Try a bookstore---under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can Finish the basement.
When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is
that true? Where can it be found? A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ."
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband? A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly---wrinkles? A: Take off your glasses
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those
wrinkles on my face? A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking? A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term
memory storage? A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly? A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses? A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter
antique stores? A: "Gosh, I remember these."
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If FORD had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press releasestating:
If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash....... Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
