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Humour

East Court Ford East Court Ford Lincoln

Chicken Soup

 

Hydro One Slippery Pig

 

Seniors Speak Out in the US Election

(Caution some bad language)

 

Harpernomics

 


Wave Goodbye to decent paying Jobs

 

 

 

 

                                   WHAT HAVE THE UNIONS EVER DONE FOR US?

 

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work? 

 


HERE ARE THE
"NEW SENIOR TEXTING CODES"

 
ATD:    At The Doctor's
 
BFF:    Best Friend Fainted
 
BTW:  Bring The Wheelchair
 
BYOT:  Bring Your Own Teeth
 
CBM:  Covered By Medicare
 
CGU:  Can't Get Up
 
CUATSC:  See You At The Senior Center
 
DWI:  Driving While Incontinent
 
FWB:  Friend With Beta Blockers
 
FWIW:  Forgot Where I Was
 
FYI:  Found Your Insulin
 
GGPBL:  Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
 
GHA:  Got Heartburn Again
 
HGBM:  Had Good Bowel Movement
 
IMHO:  Is My Hearing-Aid On?
 
LMDO:  Laughing My Dentures Out
 
LOL:    Living On Lipitor
 
LWO:  Lawrence Welk's On
 
OMMR:  On My Massage Recliner
 
OMSG:    Oh My! Sorry, Gas
 
ROFL... ACGU:  Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
 
TTML:  Talk To Me Louder
 
WAITT:  Who Am I Talking To?
 
WTFA:    Wet The Furniture Again
 
WATP:    Where Are The Prunes?
 
WWNO:  Walker Wheels Need Oil
 
GGLKI:    Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In


 

Funny Prayer about Getting Old at the Caregiver of the Year Dinner

 

 

SENIOR HALLOWEEN...

  1
1
You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:


10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
1

9.  You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
1

8.  You ask for high fiber candy only.
1


7.  When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

1

6.  People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," And you're not wearing a mask.
1
5.  When the door opens you yell, "Trick or...." And can't
remember the rest.


4.  By the end of the night,
you have a bag full of restraining orders.
1

3.  You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
1

2.  You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
11

And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating...
*
*
*
1..  You keep having to go home to pee.
1111

 

 

 

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!


 An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report
 That her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she
 Explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've
 Stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and
 Even the accelerator!' she cried. The dispatcher said,
 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes
 Later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says.
 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'



 TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!

 ________________________________________________________________________


 Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house
 Together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts
 Her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters,
 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The
 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come
 Up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses
 'Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is
 Sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
 Sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I
 Never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then
 Yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as
 I see who's at the door.'


 TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

 ________________________________________________________________________



 'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'

 Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf
 One fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy,
 Isn't it?' 'No,' the second man replied,
 'it's Thursday.' And the third man chimed in,
 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'



 TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

 _______________________________________________________________________

 A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a
Nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of
 Her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to
 An elderly man in a wheelchair.. Flipping her gown at him,
 She said, 'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment
 Or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the
 Soup.'



 TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

 ____________________________________________________________________

 Now this one is just too Precious...LOL!

 Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over
 The years, they had shared all kinds of activities and
 Adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to
Meeting a few times a week to play cards.

 One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the
 Other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me ... I know
 We've been friends for a long time, but I just can't
 Think of your name! I've thought And thought, but I
 Can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is..

 Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she
 Just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How
 Soon do you need to know?'



 TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!



 _______________________________________________________________________

 SENIOR DRIVING

 As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car
 Phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice
 Urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news
 That there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
 Please be careful!' 'Heck,' said Herman,
 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of  them!'


 TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
 _________________________________________________________________


 DRIVING

 Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both
 Could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising
 Along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red,
 But they just went on through. The woman in the passenger
 Seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could
 Have sworn we just went Through a red light.'

 After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection
 And the light was red. Again, they went right through. The
 Woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light
 Had been red but was really concerned that she was losing
 it. She was getting nervous.

 At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red
 And they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman
 And said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran
 Through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us
 Both!'

 Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'



 TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!


 

New Bumper Stickers

 

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate ageing baby boomers ...

 

New Releases Include:  

Herman's Hermits ---

Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker

 

Ringo Starr ---

I Get By With A Little Help From Depends

cid:image004.jpg@01CA82DD.4D2CDED0cid:image005.gif@01CA82DD.4D2CDED0

 

The Bee Gees -- -

How Can You Mend
A Broken Hip?

 

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Roberta Flack---

The First Time Ever
I Forgot Your Face

 

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Johnny Nash ---

I CAN'T See Clearly Now.

 

cid:image010.gif@01CA82DD.4D2CDED0

 

Paul Simon---

Fifty Ways To Lose
Your Liver

cid:image011.jpg@01CA82DD.4D2CDED0

 

The Commodores ---

Once, Twice, 3 Times
To The Bathroom

cid:image012.gif@01CA82DD.4D2CDED0

 

  Procol Harum---

A Whiter Shade Of Hair 

cid:image013.gif@01CA82DD.4D2CDED0


 

Leo Sayer ---

You Make Me Feel
Like Napping

 

cid:image014.jpg@01CA82DD.4D2CDED0

 

The Temptations ---

Papa's Got A
Kidney Stone

cid:image015.jpg@01CA82DD.4D2CDED0

 

 Abba ---

Denture Queen

cid:image016.gif@01CA82DD.4D2CDED0     cid:image017.gif@01CA82DD.4D2CDED0    

 

Helen Reddy ---

I Am Woman,
Hear Me Snore

cid:image019.gif@01CA82DD.4D2CDED0

 

 

Lesley Gore---

It's My Hormones
& I'll Cry If I Want To

cid:image020.gif@01CA82DD.4D2CDED0

 

And Last but NOT least...


 Willie Nelson ---

On the Commode Again

                      cid:image021.gif@01CA82DD.4D2CDED0

 

Grown Up




 

Maxine

 

 

***********************

 

 

More Senior's Humour

























 

Imports

 

The Gulf Coast of Florida

A song for the seniors living in Paradise

 

GM Secret Revealed

Johnny Cash

Johnny Cash sings about why GM is now in such bad shape - One Piece at a Time!
Click on Arrow below to play'

To download click here!

 

BIG 3 BAILOUT SNL SPOOF 

 

Julie Andrews on Maturity

Julie Andrews

To commemorate her birthday, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at
Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.

One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'.

Here are the lyrics she used:

Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses, Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions, Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin', Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin', And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

*************************************

Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.

 

 

 

Retiree Logic

***********************

MORE BIG 3
BAILOUT
CARTOONS

(CLICK HERE)

************************

Craig Oliver’s 3-Way talks

Air Farce


Craig Oliver’s 3-Way talks with Jack Layton, Tony Clement and handyman Mike Holmes about 24 Sussex Drive, lent, Buzz Hargrove, Cadbury Easter egg, Patriot Act, Charlie Brown cartoon, Bill Clinton goes on an intern hunt, Grizzly Bear Hunt, Paul and Heather McCartney, Ralph Klein and Martha Stewart.

Tony Clement
Click Here   
  

 

Order Of Canada

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Buy Foreign

*******************************

BIG BOX-MART

In this funny cartoon, an honest factory
worker learns the truth about his favorite
department store: that there's a very high cost
for everyday low prices. Namely, unemployment!

*************************


Halloween 2008

 

Why I Like Retirement
(Click Above - Power Point needed)

 

Harper

 

 

     Where to live after      Retirement

 

You can live in Green Valley, Arizona  where.....

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 

2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town. 

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food. 

5. You know that 'dry heat' is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
 
You can Live in  California  where... 

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway. 

3. You know how to eat an artichoke. 

4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party. 

5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought

You can Live in  New York City  where... 

1. You say 'the city' and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan .

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't findWisconsin on a map.

3. You think  Central Park  is 'nature,' 

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

5. You've worn out a car horn. 

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression. 
 
You can Live in North Dakota where... 

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco . 

2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas. 

3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
 
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons. 

5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in the  Deep South  where...
 
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store. 

2. 'y'all' is singular and 'all y'all' is plural.

3. 'He needed killin'' is a valid defense.

4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob , Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

You can live in  Colorado  where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
 
You can live in Minnesota  where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: 'Where's my coat at?'

5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, 'It was different!'
 
  AND You can live in  Florida  where..
 
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon. 

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist. 

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5 Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

 

SENIOR'S BUMPER STICKERS

 

Eyesight

Garbage

Pile Up

 

 

            Questions and Answers
             from an AARP Forum


Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore---under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can Finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly---wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those
wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these."

 

    Mother Goose
Click Here For Mother Goose

***************

FedEx Commercial
CLICK HERE

*************

Mail Delivery

Surgery

Gator Teeth

 

*************
DO YOU REMEMBER THESE ? (click here)

and these.........
*************

Toyota Ford

Toyota Ford

toyota

*************

BILL GATES vs. FORD

       For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

       At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

       "If FORD had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

       In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

       If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

       1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.......       Twice a day.

       2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

       3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

       4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

       5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

       6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

       7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

       8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

       9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

       10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

*************

*************

BABY BOOMERS ON SOCIAL SECURITY SONG

*************

Political Cartoons

Jaws

 

Light Year

 

Bob White



Flinstones
VEBA
2007 Grey Cup
Scariest of Them All

THE LOONIE BIN!

US Dollar

Loonie 3

Loonie 2
Loonie 1
Loonie 4
No American
Over the Hill
Hazel
Ya Ya Sisters

Definitions

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.


BEAUTY PARLOUR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

   
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

   
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born  and after they are dead.


 
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.


  DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

   
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

   
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

 
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

   
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.


 
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

 
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.


 
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

   
TOOTHACHE:

  The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest Labor saving devices of today.

   
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have.  
I have character lines

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